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Updated: Oct 26, 2019

A million terrible things happening to far less deserving people and all I can think about is me. The world seems to spin at a different pace for each of us and money has a mind of its own. Money picks and chooses whose pocket it rests in and cares little about our circumstances. We think big houses and beautiful cars fill insecurities only to realize that once those insecurities die, there is only time to focus on me.

Why? Why is what I do not good enough? Why doesn't she love me? Why did I quit trying? Why did I turn to porn? Why do I lie to God? Why don't I try harder? Why do I care about what people think? Why do I keep placing myself in hell when God wants to send me to heaven? Why do I torture myself with sin and pain? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Man, I just wanted to be good enough. I wanted to be loved. I made you my god. Why am I so desperate for hell? Why do I chase the one thing I know separates me from god? What is wrong with me?

I just want validation. SOMEBODY tell me I am good enough. I forfeit my soul to feel worthy. You think I don't want the Instagram model's attention? You think I'm not sliding into dms? WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE LOVE ME?

But that's the problem with worldly validation. It is never satisfactory, and it never lasts. It is why we cheat and get divorced. It is why we have no foundation after we lose our jobs. Our fuel for purpose is temporary and not sustainable.

We walk on eggshells around each other because the truth divides us. But truth also brings the real ones together. However, who has time to wait for that reward? Are you telling me I can't get what I want now?

Man, I'm facing eternal damnation just to get one girl to swipe right. My lips do a lot more talking than my heart does walking. It's comfortable to sit behind a screen and write stuff down. Why am I the modern Pharisee? You like what you hear but hate what you see. Yeah, well, I guess that is just the fake Christian me.

This isn't a suicide note, though I hope it's the bullet that kills my unchristian self. It's not a sign of depression. It's an admission that I want the world enough to forfeit my soul. But the problem is I gave that up a long time ago just wanting someone to love me.

Why do I feel closer to God when I have a girlfriend but far from Him when I am single? Why isn't the genie listening to me? As long as someone loves me, I'm good. We don't really need God once we feel good enough.

For a long time, I wondered if we should even be happy in this life. There are a lot of words floating through the air that tickle our flesh, but where are the statements that puncture our soul? God, I would rather live blind than admit the sin in me.

Too real? Yeah, I'm not surprised. As long as someone is in our bed that's adequate. We "have God's favor," but I wouldn't say we owe Him one. But when our bed is empty, who are we then?

Why am I just like the world? Why am I ignoring truth? Why do I want to live blind when I can be set free?

Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me. JESUS, SON OF GOD, HAVE MERCY ON ME. I gave up my soul, but I hope I can see. You purchased it back, please teach me to live free.

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