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System Failure

Updated: Dec 30, 2019

Click. Reload. No. No. No. What is happening? No. Oh no. Stop. Stop. Stop. Oh man, this is not good. Esc. Esc. Esc. Esc. Come on. Force quit. No. No.

Virus detected. System failure. Please restart your system. Click okay to restart. Restart. Restart. Restart. Restar... System offline. Reboot in progress.

Enough cuts make you bleed even when the wound is healed. Yeah, I am tired of it. Sick of the petty immaturity and hiding behind words that make people question where I am. Want to know how I'm doing? Stop reading my blog and ask. These words aren't the family Christmas letter I share with people that I don't want to waste my time on the phone with, even if I was paid to do so. This blog isn't an update on how I feel that day. This isn't how I build community, and if this is the foundation on which you develop our relationship, then we don't have one. Stop reading between the lines and ask. Those that get it are like the sick in the doctor's office. They understand what I am going through. Those that don't should stop acting like this is the platform to check on my wellbeing.

Yeah, I am sick of hearing the same hollow words that someone is worried, but they don't check-in. A lot has been happening in my life, and changes in my faith have people questioning who I am. Maybe I'm just wondering what I am. No, I'm not looking for friends that chill with me, crack a beer, and talk about life like its some game that we play to gain status. This life isn't a game, and I'm sick of being around people not taking it seriously.

Yeah, yeah, I'm just too intense. I'm controlling and need to lay off. Change change change. If you want her to love you, then you got to change. If we're going to be friends, got to be cool with a few wild nights. Just stop caring about being perfect and be cool.

Alright. I'll let that madness seep in for a second as you are 5 shots in wondering how there are so many problems in the world. Sad thing is the difference between Bill Gates and a homeless man is one decision. That's all it takes. And despite the being allowed to make a million decisions in our life, we sure screw up 999,999 of them.

A lot of rejection recently. Having to cut people off. And I got a lot of people telling me to change. Problem is a lot of the changes are contradictory. And every change I make seems to disappoint you, master.

Don't understand the thoughts, so I am crazy. Caring is overbearing. Love is obsession. Correction is stubbornness. Moving forward is selfish. Staying behind leads to regret. Not following directions leads to pain. Even if those directions are in vain. Vulnerability hurts my commission. Value is subject to my hope. Money is more important. Church on Sunday, leave it behind on Monday. Stop thinking. Stop correcting. Stop caring. You are arrogant. You are a sinner. You are a fool. You are too intense. You are obsessed. I'm not ready for a relationship. You are too vulnerable. You are a liar. You are a fraud. You have no right to say anything. Here's your sin. Just your perspective. Don't think that way. Don't feel that way. Stop posting. Stop caring. Stop sharing. Stop hating yourself. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Got it. It's all too much. Sin is a leach, and being surrounded by sin creates a deadly virus. I've been set free from that. But the system is failing. It doesn't function the way it should. It is set to operate in the world — a place where I am no longer a citizen.

System failure. Reboot starting now. Please be patient.

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