Morality is more a construct of culture than goodness. How could one culture define the removal of a clitoris moral just when another feels women should have no boundaries on what they wear? Culture influences our view on others and, to the most unfortunate degree, creates a judgmental spirit within our broken souls.
When chasing after God, it is often done so in the pursuit of pride more than Jesus. Morality, once my ultimate pursuit that usurped pursuit of grace. The list of things that defined my morality became a list of things that condemned me to hell. I lived not in fear of God the Father, but of the idol I had created that was my earthly perception.
How could I be so foolish? The world's validation was another way to puff up my self-adoration. How sinful it is to let the view in the mirror be shaped by those that are not in the reflection.
How many of you remember my idealistic view of what an excellent Christ follower I was that I abandoned many in their time of need? Not only was that done out of arrogance, but the foolish belief that my perfection on this earth was enough to validate me for eternity. Worshipping God came second to the idealistic worship of my own self-image as I could line up all the things I had claimed to achieve for God's kingdom. Unfortunately, there was one major issue I had with my accomplishments: None of my accomplishments proved I loved God.
How is that possible? There is a simple answer to that question. I did not love God. I loved looking like I loved God. I loved having girls that loved me because I said I loved God. I loved parents looking at me with admiration as I pursued a life free of drugs and alcohol. Having people brag about what my morality became enough motivation to continue to lie about being something I was not. God's followers knew I was not part of the body because when action met words, there was only one path to take, and I took the latter. Of all the things I could claim as morally sound, not one of them was that I loved God.
Over time the veil that I placed between God and me slowly disintegrated in the weirdest of ways. Only once allowing the veil to create complete darkness so that I could only pursue the very worst parts of my desires did I see the light pierce the emptiness of my pursuits. Over time I slowly began to see the truth, though blurry, as the merit-based salvation that once dominated my sinful life slowly disintegrated into the light.
December 25, millions of kids rush down their stairs to find presents resting under a rotting pine. Excitement overwhelms each of us and we tear back unnecessary paper to find what demonstration of love lay underneath. Pornography addicts, rapists, adulterers, liars, cheaters, those who steal, those who hate, those who manipulate, those that lust, and those that ignore God entirely all rip open gifts on that day. Very few receive lumps of coal despite that fact that, if we take an honest self-assessment, we are entirely undeserving of such generosity. Yet we perceive God's gifts as a different blessing entirely.
One truth I have discovered is something I cannot avoid any longer. I have achieved too much in my sinful pursuits to ever earn my way into heaven. I am incredibly grateful for that.
Understanding the freedom of my own brokenness allows me to walk up to the fork in the road that will dictate my eternity. Knowing I cannot save myself, I can freely pursue the bounty of sexual exploits that will leave me disease-ridden and lonely as each breast in which I delight becomes increasingly unfulfilling as the firm body no longer wants to pair with my aging heart. After a long period of time, I will lack fulfillment and pass on to a life where I will thirst but find no water, hunger and find no food, hope and find no salvation.
However, the fork in the road provides a chance to go on a road less traveled. Far fewer girls will engage in my sexual exploits, demons will try to drag me to the other path, and I will be hated by those that do not follow the same path. But eternal freedom will be found like the leprechaun that finds the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. No matter how difficult the rainbow is to find and follow, what waits at the end is worth the pursuit.
Salvation is not something I can earn. It is a gift given by a loving Father. The bitterness cultivated from my merit-based pursuits must be vanquished by an unrelenting love from an undead Savior. It is no longer I that lives, but Christ who lives in me. I do not make it to eternity. Christ's brings me across the bridge I know not how to travel. And that is enough for me.