I listened to a song today that took me back to a point in my life where part of my stubborn heart had been shattered. It was a point in my life where I looked at my compass and I did not have direction. It is funny how music can transport us to an exact moment in time and the song volume needs no increase as each note carries enough emotion to scream loud in our hearts.
The song is Dive by Social Club Misfits and, if any of you decide to listen to it, I guarantee you will scoff at the idea that emotions can be generated from such an intense beat. It is a pure rap banger (I am hip and with it) that doesn't have emotional elements. Don't get me wrong, I love the song, but it's not like I am listening to Adele. That song was one of very few I selected to put into a playlist titled "Recovery."
I listened to that playlist repeatedly as I pondered how I had screwed up meaningful relationships in my life. I remember hearing it in the shower, in the car, going to church, going to class, and on my way to see friends. It is amazing how those songs on that playlist can remind me of such a fragile time in my life.
I was so broken then. I was getting counseling for the first time and I really faced the first point in my life where my controlling nature truly hurt people I didn't want to hurt. It was the first time in my life I began to see the error of my ways. It was a pretty eye-opening time and I wanted to heal. I didn't want to live that way any longer.
It's funny to look at where I am now from where I was a year ago. I made progress during that time in my life, but in doing so, I lost a lot of myself. In wanting to heal, and in some ways doing so, I allowed myself to lose my identity in the people I had hurt. The great thing about having people that care about you is that people want to see you succeed; however, it can also be difficult to discern right from wrong when you want to please people to make up for past sins.
I have never wrestled with God so hard in my life. I want to be with Him. I want to follow Him. Honestly, I want to identify with Him. But my soul feels so dark and cloudy. Like pouring milk into coffee. The light is so sporadic and it just gets mixed into the darkness. I feel like each day I wake up having no earthly idea if I have faith or if it is even worth pretending.
It is so bittersweet to sit here today and think back to last year. I remember the victories of overcoming so many of my control issues. But now I am the one struggling to control myself. I have calmed on the notion that I should control other people. I see the folly in that way of life. Yet I let horrible things control my life and plague my heart. What a juxtaposition these points in my life are one year apart.
Breaking free is so hard. We tire so easily of hearing the same thing over and over; yet, we do little to change. Perhaps this is the first time I can describe a year in my life as bittersweet because each victory I have had has been met with extreme inner turmoil and loss. It is so hard to ignore the hurt. The pain. The anger. The deception. But long for peace. Patience. Forgiveness. Truth. Mercy.
God. I wrestle you and I have never won. Why, God, is there confusion? Why is my heart so cloudy? Rid my heart of so much darkness and the pain of the last year. Please provide a Spirit of healing. Not to be selfish, but please let this healing be about me. Because I am a useless member of the body if I try and fix myself for others. The body needs me to perform my function.
The beauty between. Help me find it.