Arguably the most thought-provoking thing that has come across my mind recently is the idea that the place where I am needed the most I want to go the least. Perhaps some would rationalize this by saying that is a natural feeling, one that most Christians are faced with daily. However, I think it goes deeper than I am willing to admit.
How much of a risk is it to stay exactly where we are? If we already know where the path leads, are we really living out of faith? How many of us keep moving because we want to see the end far more than enduring the painstaking process of undergoing a new beginning?
Why are Christians always playing defense? We talk about defending the gospel so many times but, to be honest with you, I rarely find myself having to defend the gospel. If you do not work in ministry, how often do you have your faith questioned to the point you have to defend? Defense may win championships, but playing offense exponentially raises your chances of scoring.
To completely pivot off my previous point, let me say this: I am angry. I am very angry. Bordering on resentful. Arguably hateful. The people I love the most I can't trust. Slowly I am shutting off from the outside world. Nobody deserves to know where I am or what I am doing. I am angry I ever cared what people thought. And I am sick of waiting for someone to give me their opinion on what I am writing. For having to make sure I write so nobody misconstrues what I am saying. If I have a point and you miss it, take yourself out of the picture. My struggle isn't something for you to take as a threat. Or an attack. And I am tired of feeling like something I am trying to do for good, to be vulnerable, and to share with others so they don't feel alone, is criticized because of the foolish mistakes of my past. My brokenness doesn't define me. God's redemption does. And if you still see me in the past, then you don't know me in the present.
I am tired of the half-hearted encouragement. I am tired of the backhanded compliments. I am tired of the lies. Why are we hiding everything? Since when did we become a culture of half-hearted people? Do you really think people do not know? I sit and church and think about how many people there had premarital sex. Cheated on their spouse. Get drunk every weekend. Lie to get their way. Watch porn every day. Why are we acting like this isn't happening? And why are we so taken aback when we find out somebody isn't perfect?
Look at our churches. Find the perfect person. When you find Him, let me know, but I think few will be able to recognize He returned. We want grace. We want peace. We want mercy. Don't you think I lived that life? Stop acting like me being honest is my way of seeking pity. Vulnerability isn't synonymous with hopelessness. I am not hopeless or sad just because I haven't made friends in a new city. If you ask I will answer. But I am not alone. I never will be. But I am sick and tired of these fake bridges built on lies and deception. Is anything genuine anymore?
I am so angry at everything and everyone. At the world. Because I lost myself in things and people that were bound to let me down. And I lived so unrealistically that everything was bound to come to screeching halt at some point. Thank God it wasn't at His throne. I want to burn every bridge I have. I am tired of people telling me what to do. But I know hatred is of no value.
How is understanding myself making me so mad at the world? Perhaps I am angry at myself for ever allowing myself to live as corrupt as I did. I gave up control to everything and lost my soul to things that were worth nothing. What was the point?
God, I am so angry right now. Forgive me. Forgive us. I need Your grace. We all do.
Amen