Maybe it's not the world that pulls me back into darkness. Perhaps I run toward it. The unseen gravitational pull will one day lead to destruction. We know this, gravity always pulling though we do not see it. But how much worse is sin?
I am lonely. I longed to be loved. I pray for something real. However, I turn to the most superficial devices to find what I want while never understanding what I need. Am I the only one?
The prison of my sin is built on insecurity. I know I am not enough. Deep in my soul cries a broken child that wants something more. Buried under deceit, broken promises, and unfulfilled expectations rests the coffin with my soul that is pounding to be set free. I trap myself in darkness because the sting of the light shatters me. I want out of prison, but I don't want to be free.
The truth is freedom is never free. It always comes with a price. But I am too arrogant to admit that I come nowhere close to paying the debt. I must admit there are times I wish I never knew God so I didn't have to feel tortured by each sin I commit. The clanking of the bars and flickering lights are reminders of the freedom I sacrificed for momentary satisfaction. All that pain to never be set free.
Just because we are never caught does not mean we were never guilty. The bottle we cork and toss to sea will turn up someday. I pray that God is not the one who sees all that I have hidden. But that is the irony. We work so hard to ignore God that we ultimately prove His relevance. We chase so many things that destroy us, and our ceaseless mourning illuminates the souls way of reminding us that we know we are crumbling.
We don't grow out of sin; we grow sick of it. But we try and avoid the truth that the prison we deserve to reside in will be our home sooner than we would like to admit. And some of us have already turned ourselves in and stopped trying.
The truth is we are all porn addicts and potheads. We are all drunks and cheaters. We are all liars and murderers. We are all frauds.
We can spend as much time determining whose sin is worse and that debate is bound to annoy our roommates in hell. Or we can try to learn to forgive and be forgiven. But the fact that we will all be exposed for who we truly are is not going away. Our lives are nothing more than invisible ink, the hidden truth only to be revealed at a time when we can no longer change the message.
I want something real. I want a house and a family. A wife and a future. But more than anything, I want to fulfill the purpose that God has for me. God sent me to this time for a reason. He sent all of us for a reason. When we compare ourselves to others, we are examining apples and oranges. I am not Paul. I am not James. I am not Peter. And I am not Jesus, as surprising as that one is to believe.
I am William. I am a sinner. I am broken. I have struggled with porn and lust. Control and anxiety. Lying and forgiving. And I struggle with maintaining the necessary faith to do what God calls me to do.
Some of you wonder why I am vulnerable, and it is not because I am stronger than you. It is because He is stronger than me. He is stronger than you. What God is doing, what I have faith God is doing, is showing that an imperfect vessel has hope because of everything He has done. I will never be able to convince you to live for Christ because I am perfect. It will never be achievable if I attempt it in honesty. If I were to ignore honesty, then that would be evidence enough.
What I can do is point you to a place where insecurity, hatred, anger, and bitterness are crushed in an instant. I can point you to a God who walked on water only to get closer to a cross. I can point you to the One who deserves the glory because He wrote my story when I destroyed His. What I can do is point you to the King, the one whose blood covers our sins in a way the world never saw coming.
I am not negative. I am not a realist. And I am not too hard on myself. I am a follower of Christ. Imperfect in every way. Saved by one act of true love. Forgiven despite my sins. And trusting in the bright tomorrow that will come no matter what this world becomes.
I am a fraud. I'm not just reformed. I am redeemed.