The people that create the most madness are locked in a room only to become even crazier than before. It is like prisons think our minds are math equations, and two negatives will make a positive. But the worst thing we do is lock our minds in a cell so impenetrable that even God cannot break us free. At least that is what we have convinced ourselves.
I think a lot of first-time readers are skeptical about reading my articles. They feel I am too negative or critical. Perhaps my view of reality is skewed by a sense of self-righteousness. That I think I am above the world. But right now, my eternity is below it.
Solitary confinement is often ineffective. I know it because I have tried it. I locked my mind in a cell so secluded that even my positive subconscious could not phase through the walls. I was around a lot of people, but I was terribly alone. I trusted no one. I relied on false positives and was left broken when my ill-placed hope was ultimately shattered.
Individual isolation is usually gradual. We don't flip a switch and close off the world. But slowly our mind piles thoughts of self-hatred into a small room deep in our minds. Then, at our lowest point, we lock ourselves in the room with no way out. We beat ourselves down until the point we question why we are alive. It is a very broken place.
Over the past year, I have been a victim of my own self-hatred. I have let pain and toxic environments torture me to my core. My compass has been the opinions of everyone around me. But I am at an age where I am supposed to be able to function on my own. However, that thought is crippling. What if I fail? Or better yet, what if the thing I choose to do ends up being the wrong decision?
I have talked with a shocking number of people who are suffering from anxiety. Mental health has been the focus of so many platforms. After all the things I have gone through the past two years, I feel I know what will define our generation: guilt.
What I do not think many older generations recognize is how guilty our generation feels about every issue we face. We feel guilty when we are not living up to our parent's expectations. We feel guilty when we make the wrong decision. We feel guilty for the terrible things we get involved in that hurt us. We feel guilty we are not achieving as much as our friends. We feel guilty we cannot keep up with all the changes. And we feel guilty that we do not have the skills, or so we think, to accomplish any of our dreams.
Our guilt leads to tremendous self-torture. It is why our generation turns to porn and sex at an alarming rate. It is why marijuana will likely be the most popular recreational drug by the time I am 50. It is why we binge drink and body shame. We feel overwhelmingly guilty about so many aspects of who we are.
We try desperately hard to embrace false truths to separate ourselves from everyone else. My generation has been poorly guided through tough times and is left in isolation to fix our problems. Our generation is fearful to ask for help because we know how easily people have been led astray.
So many of us lock ourselves in isolation. We shame ourselves more than the world shames us. We cannot stand up to ourselves because we know so much of our shame is a result of how we lived. So we get stuck in a cycle with a vice that destroys our souls. We descend into madness, desiring any escape from the cell we lock ourselves inside of as punishment. Longing to escape, we pursue a supplement to free us from the reality that we are terrible people. It destroys our soul in the process.
Think about the last time you watched porn. The last time you hit that bong. The last time you passed the line of sobriety. The last time you let him feel you. The last time you let her touch you.
What were you escaping? What were you afraid of? And how do you deal with that guilt?
Very few of us act recklessly without some sense that this is not how we are created to be. We get in a cycle of beating ourselves down with the things we think will set us free. We feel hopeless or out of control, so we turn to porn. We feel pain and sorrow, so we turn to weed. We feel incapable or socially awkward, so we turn to alcohol. We feel lonely or unlovable, so we turn to sex.
The only things these vices do is validate the pain we are feeling. They don't help the hurt in the long run. They make us addicted. Even if it is not to the vice, it is undoubtedly to the feeling — a short euphoric high for such a grievous low.
The truth is I have been turning to my vices. That's why I have been calling myself a fraud. I talk like a Christian but live like an atheist. Nobody could match my words with my actions. I feel extreme remorse about that. The reason I am sharing this with the world is to remind the world that I long to live for Christ, but have beaten myself down so bad that I feel incapable. I feel like I am better off dead. And there was a point that almost became a reality. Now, in my very broken transparency, I want to share with you that crucifying myself has never brought me to Christ. It has brought me closer to porn and women every single time. My self-hatred becomes a hatred of God because I no longer believe I am made in His image.
Frauds do not need to lock themselves in solitude. We need to be in the open. I am in the open. I have turned to porn and women. Those are my vices. But they never set me free. I hope I will find the forgiveness from all of you that I long for from Christ.
Those are my vices. It is why I call myself a fraud. But I am determined to break that cycle. Because this cell was not meant for me. My self-forgiveness should not take precedence over God's forgiveness. If He was willing to pay the price to set me free, I will ask for His forgiveness to take priority over mine.
For those that want to write me off, I understand. But for those that want to join in the community of brokenness to no longer trap ourselves in unforgiveness, join me as we go to Him.
God, thank you for Your grace. Thank You for Your Son. Forgive me for thinking my self-forgiveness, or lack thereof, is more valuable than yours. Forgive me for allowing vices to take control of my life because I was afraid to turn to you. I was afraid I would lock myself back in that cell. So I have been hiding from You. God, I am truly sorry for that. If You are willing to forgive me, I would like to give my life to You. To continue to give my life to You. I want to trust I am set free. And I want everyone to know that the sacrifice of Your Son is valid for eternity. I love You Father. Amen.