Pondering the next installment to what I hope is an influential series makes me feel like I have more control over sanctification than I do. The truth is, I am just writing. If words have any impact, does it really matter who wrote them? If it is not God's will for those words to impact eternity, then what does it matter what the words say? Those words will die with the world on the final day.
The truth is I care what people think. I pass out the link to my blog like candy hoping I will receive validation. Girls flock to the idea that a Christian guy exists until they realize how easily deception hides in front of their face. Want to know the reality about relationships? 99.9% of girls who say they want a Christian guy really just want a guy that pretends to be Christian. There are very few people that are seeking a Christian relationship that mean what they say. Just because we wait six months to have sex opposed to the first date doesn't mean we are pursuing a Christian relationship. We are merely pursuing superiority.
I had so many girls blowing up my phone that I couldn't keep track of who I was talking to anymore. I went on dates with girls whose names I couldn't remember. Fearing being alone led to days spent with a random girl only to drop the girl off to head over to another date. Girls were bringing condoms to my place thinking we were going to have sex and I was kicking girls out of my apartment the minute I got bored. Merely having them show up gave me everything I needed. All the pain I have endured, much of it self-inflicted, led to one unsatisfactory pursuit:
Validation.
Shamefully I must admit that for as long as I can remember I just wanted someone to validate me. I started my website because I wanted to write, but told people about it because I wanted validation that I am a good writer. When I got on Bumble or Tinder, I wanted validation that I am worthy of the love of another person. Decisions I make are often met with an internal conflict of how my parents will perceive my choices. People ask what I want to do and I want to direct them to tell me what I want because I don't know how to think for myself. Sadly, I am wet clay desperately seeking anyone to care enough about me to shape me into something that makes them happy even if that requires that I forfeit my internal desires.
The last two long-term relationships I had destroyed every remaining piece of individuality I possessed. However, I am the guilty party. I am the one to blame.
The last two years of my life have been a funeral for the unique way God created me. Each day has been nothing more than a gravedigger adding more dirt to the casket containing my soul. That coffin is buried deep under the desperate pursuit that I will do enough to make my parents happy, my girlfriend happy, my friends happy, my coaches happy, and my teachers happy. Worrying about God's validation was crucified by my selfishness. I suffered as a result.
The end of my last relationship pulverized my sense of purpose. I would have given everything to earn her love. I cannot even express how much weight I placed on her validation. I blamed myself for every mistake just trying to do anything to keep her from leaving. Slowly the barrel of the gun entered my mouth and I pulled the trigger to remove any part of me that would get in the way. I never found the validation I pursued.
These last few months have not been much different. I want some girl to love me enough for me to feel like I have a purpose. Internally I have set markers that measure my worth that are only met by external validation. Daily I shake and contemplate why I should continue living because I believe the lie that I fail every person in my life. Thoughts of my family hurting from how I am an awful person to the girls I once loved living happily without me makes me want to end it all. Nothing validates me. Nothing is enough. Why won't anyone love me?
I finally reached a breaking point and figured I could pursue this world and commit suicide, whether immediately or eternally, or I could do what God has been telling me to do for years and deal with my brokenness. Throughout the last few months, I felt I could not be alone and would even watch YouTube in the shower to feel like someone was with me. Seeking validation led to horrifying messages and requests that thwarted any pursuit of Christ. Poison dripped from my mouth as I mimicked the world's view of a Christian. I slept on a bed in the living room because I was afraid to close my bedroom door at night. My mind broke. I hated myself. I hated everyone who wouldn't do what I said. I just wanted one person to validate me.
Then God broke me. He decided to let me kill myself to realize how ignorant I was and how foolish I have lived. God should have killed me a long time ago, thank God He has grace. That millstone around my neck is enormous. But He knows how to set me free.
I am one of many that have been hiding from my brokenness for a long time. Truthfully, the last two relationships that ended have hurt me so bad that I ignored them and moved to any girl I could find to prove I still had value. But that became the pathway to self-hatred. And there was no one to blame but me.
Lately, I have had to fight some terrible thoughts and lies the devil has whispered in my ear. Those who are without sin are the first to pick up the stone, and I am the last in line. I have been wrestling with some demons. I have to remind myself that I don't need validation when God offers salvation. I don't have to keep killing myself to be free.
Call me broken, liar, fraud, hell-bound, call me whatever you want. Just don't call me a good Christian man. I am broken. I am undeservingly adopted by Christ. And there is no way I can live that would earn His endless grace. It won't change that God created me. Even though I have a lot I need to fix, I believe God can make those changes for me. This isn't a post about validation. I really don't care if anyone reads. This a post about restoration. About how I am set free. Examining how my pride got in the way of asking for help. But I need the support of God's kingdom. I can't do this alone. This is a post about needing God's family as I pursue God through eternity.
I kept running from God, but He kept running toward me. I took myself to Hell, but God set me free.