Eyes dart around wondering who else knows. Some call it shame. Others guilt. Though a glazed over face might mask the truth, it can never hide the guilt.
I sin because I am afraid. I lack satisfaction. I fear losing the world. And the cost is losing my salvation. It is an eternal struggle of trying to understand the truth. Anxiety comes from no longer knowing who we can trust.
Madness is like gravity. We veer away from safety and closer to the edge each day. It doesn't take much for us to fall victim. Think about life. About salvation. My mind becomes frozen at the thought of eternity. At the idea of there never being an end to time. We exist forever. And ever. And ever. And ever.
It is astonishing that the thought of fluidity causes paralysis. Never ending leads to the end of my minds function. I cannot handle it. Nor can my mind handle the opposite. That death is imminent.
Take time to ponder the lies we tell at funerals to keep ourselves from descending into madness: They are in a better place. They are finally at peace. They are waiting for us to come to see them. They are watching over us. Heaven needed another angel.
The reality is that their flesh is resting in dirt and who knows what happened to their soul. As if we are pure enough to know the final destination. We act as if we have some sort of wisdom that is nothing more than a convoluted way of coping. Perhaps the hardest part of death is knowing that all hope of making an impact on someone's life is over. We have no idea what is next for them. And we have to except that there is now nothing we can do.
The loss of a friend is hard to handle, but the loss of hope is far more concerning. But the truth of the matter is many of us lost hope long ago. Alcohol, sex, and drugs fill our lives despite our ability to compartmentalize them into nothing more than fun. For many must admit, those vices have become the solution to a deep-rooted problem we can no longer face.
Our foolishness so often causes the wound of a broken relationship. Even if the other person is at fault, our desire to fill a void in our life with an unsatisfactory solution causes a lifetime of anguish. It is easier to turn to drugs and alcohol. To be promiscuous in a world where promiscuity becomes modesty with each new week. But we must admit we are not satisfied. And may I be so bold to say, we fear that others might know.
Satisfaction has become the veil of salvation. It blinds us from seeing where we are actually going. We think we are heading in the right direction because of how we feel, but an internal voice is slowly drowning as a result. It is the voice telling us that something isn't right and that our solution is not enough. We can fog the mirror, but we cannot hide who stands in front. The hot water will run out and the steam will condense. And who will we see staring back at us? We cannot hide. Someone is always seeking.
This series is for every fraud out there. Every Bible-thumping porn addict. Gospel singing drunk. Communion taking pothead. Verse memorizing drug addict. Cross-wearing premarital couple praying the condom doesn't break. Church-going cheater. Verse tweeting judger. And Jesus preaching liar.
This is for the frauds. Like me. Who write about perfection, but desperately need a resurrection. For those who need love and grace. For those who need the truth. Not to be called names other than son or daughter. To be guided through our challenges against porn, alcohol, drugs, premarital sex, homosexual thoughts, gender identification struggles, lying, cheating, stealing, killing, and everything in-between.
I am a fraud. I need Jesus and His resurrection. I have been preaching for too long. Now I need to start living. To no longer be a criminal on the cross. But to live in Paradise with my Father. And even if you're not fraud, I hope you'll join the journey too.