Updated: Apr 17, 2020
The reel of memories burned into Seth's mind cycles through repeatedly, keeping Seth from ever moving forward. It is the clips of the moments he never wanted to forget that now torture him as moments he never wants to remember—the small moments of touches unnoticed that create a sense of worthlessness in Seth's heart.
It is not that Seth wants to find a wife in such desperation. But the scar from the toxic concoction that took the form of a relationship still has not healed. But the spin of both hands on the face of 12 numbers prompts the calendar pages to turn despite Seth's inability to move forward.
A lot of time is spent longing to know why he was not enough? Although nothing more than a mixture of imperfection and selfishness, Seth still longs to mean something to someone. Pursuing validation will not subdue the inner turmoil that creates ceaseless anxiety because there is no amount of reciprocity that can ever take away the hurt.
Some question the value of intimacy in a world that pursues sexual freedom over the constraining concept of purity until one truly loses their being in pursuit of another person. The person leaves, the abandoned left broken, and intimacy becomes inobtainable for life left shattered. The forfeiture of one's morality and being in hopes of maintaining the distorted illusion of unity is one of the most catastrophic emotional experiences one can endure. Not only does the end of such a harrowing attempt at love leave one left decimated by failure, but the person also begins to abandon himself.
Slowly Seth became the very thing his arrogant morality maintained he would never become. The click of a keyboard and a flurry of new follows, merely attempts to find another person to give into showing him value. The pursuits never prove fruitful because the one's with dignity never yield to Seth's unfulfilling remedies, while those that give in only feed Seth's self-hatred and insecurity. But the time in silence leaves Seth torturing himself with terrifying questions that plague him all the more. The real question that Seth wants to be answered is how one could leave when he gave them his soul? After forfeiting so much of the foundation of his worth, Seth is left with a broken structure, the framework of which has been destroyed by the arrogance of self-righteousness.
They say that patience makes the heart grow fonder. But it really gives the world more time to ponder. And in those moments, Seth micro-analyzes every move he made that could lead to failure. It has become difficult for Seth to convince any woman he has pure intentions with every text drenched in desperation. Each compliment progresses past wholesome adoration to reveal a broken man yearning for someone to fill the empty void left by years of misplaced value. The problem is Seth flees the very separation necessary to alter the untimely downfall that seems to be inevitable in this broken life.
One once said to lose one's life is to find it, but Seth grasps the edge of the cliff unwilling to leap because he might parish in a valley forgotten. Despite the cliff no longer providing any value beyond sustaining Seth's existence, it seems impossible to get Seth to hope for something greater. Every time he charges the edge, his muscles tense, and his hope retracts deep into a realm of darkness. It is here his faith cowers in fear of the life beyond what he has known. But if he has any hope of breaking free of the darkness and living with purpose, he must find a new place to call home.