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Objects: Ovens


Anger swells in the soul, but only for a moment. It is a potent concoction of shame, guilt, and lust. In seconds, the mind has a choice. From debilitating depression to fiery self-deprecation, Seth knows the war of his soul is meeting a real test. Shame sprouts from the boundaries crossed, but sin lay dormant only to be riled up by arrogant curiosity long before her top came off. The battle feels lost when the muscles tense only to provide a euphoric feeling now synonymous with shame. But sin was aroused long before that. As his screen lights up and those emojis blowing kisses pour into his phone, Seth knows the moment she crosses that threshold all we be lost. Despite his best intentions, there is no way for him to triumph over the monster roaring within his flesh. Seth jumps into a pool with cement blocks on his feet only to act shocked that he drowned once again. In the moment, it feels like he drowned. The world around him ceases to spin, another vivid memory that will plague his future marriage is burned into his mind as his skin crawls every time he looks in her eyes. There are no good guys that use women, even if he makes them breakfast in the morning. And the more Seth jumps in the pool, the more water the fills his lungs as the life-giving air that supplies hope vacates through air bubbles, and his expectation for intimacy is more shallow than before. As Seth sits quietly, his fingers dance across the memorial of names inscribed on his wall of shame. The wall, of course, a monument to his selfish desire, is met by two parts of his inner being. One admires the wall as it is a reminder of what Seth deserves because some names on that wall, many of what he has tried to chisel over with other women, have penetrated so deep that he feels that he deserves to feel like a god. The other-self that permeates guilt and shame gazes upon the wall in self-hatred, knowing the monument is a testament to how far he has fallen. The monument is not hidden beneath layers of self-pity. It looks a lot a list of who Seth follows on Instagram and who sends Seth Snapchats. Each time Seth walks away from the monument, a new name cries out in the darkness for a friend. Arrogance and misplaced self-confidence lead Seth down a path that will climax at the etching of another name with internal juxtaposition at who Seth is becoming. Gazing across the landscape, Seth recognizes freedom is not free. In pursuit of happiness, many beautiful bodies have been deprived of honor and respect that is synonymous with true love. For years Seth desired to be free to explore and meet the women of his dreams but now pursues a nightmare moonlighting as a dream that is as achievable as a fantasy. Many point to Seth's actions and argue he is nothing more than the shallow breathes he takes; his substance nothing more than rotten desire. But a small voice still mourns the pain of Seth's soul and the brokenness of his actions. Echoing off the hardened void in Seth's heart, the voice cries out for Seth to be something more. A light that flickers can be enough until the sun rises once again. The names inscribed on the wall of shame can be erased once and for all, Seth's inner being destroyed permanently. For once light pierces through the valley of darkness, guiding the river of living water, the most extreme versions of who Seth is will no longer exist again. But as light shines through, a new light comes, and the monument is shattered for eternity.

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